Haven't felt up to par the past couple days. Lots of aching and being uncomfortable. It's the food. I never should have strayed from my regular stuff. But the stuffing tasted so good..LOL I threw away all that bad stuff now.
The thought of the Chemo and Radiation is really haunting me. The thought of having surgery is bothering me too. But I know I really should have it all. If I want to live a few more years. I have lots of questions for the radiologist and oncologist. Will it make my cataracts worse? I have baby ones right now. They say it brings them on faster. Will it effect my Glaucoma. Chemo does a job on your eyes they say. What about my bad left lung? I can't breathe that good as it is from that. What about the gallbladder problems and liver??
Surgery can give you blood clots in your legs. I already have enough problems with my legs and varicose veins. What about the shingles that break out on my outer leg almost every month now? Will my nerve endings be even more damaged?
Will it take me longer to walk around, since my legs and stomach muscles are so weak?
I have so many questions. And I'm not sure if I even want to live a longer life.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
November 25, 2009-Wednesday
Had a lot of aching in my rectum today. Wasn't a very good day. I am tired too. But I guess that is because I never sleep too well. Wish I could just fall to sleep as soon as I get in bed at night but I have never been able to do that my whole life. I'm a very light sleeper. Any little noise wakes me up.
I was happy to see my crippled fox last night though! It had been a few days. I wish I could see him closer to see if those bones are really gone. They didn't show up on the photo but that could have been because of the darkness. But I would think that the white would have shown. So maybe he's been back in the woods for the past three days chewing those off. Or maybe his mom helped him. I like to think that she did just because it sounds so neat..Ha! Either way, if the bones are off then he might have a chance of healing and surviving. He looked healthy.
I am not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. I never do. I like staying home. But this year I can't cook any turkey breast like I usually do. But I have plenty of other stuff. I always have squash and I am making some stuffing, although a bit lighter on the butter etc. I always buy those veggie patties now. I like them a lot. They satisfy my craving for any meat.
I also bought a can of pumpkin and added a banana to it and a couple eggs and some canned milk and baked it in a baking dish. It came out almost as good as a pie! I didn't use any sugar but did use a little of that Stevia. But the banana sweetened it enough I think. Added the usual spices. So I'm happy. I'll get back on track Friday.
I want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy your day with family and friends and be thankful if you are healthy. We never know when that will change. I am just thankful I have lived this long and have a roof over my head and have family that cares and outside and inside critters to enjoy and keep me busy. And they sure do!
Here's a picture of my poor three legged fox last night.
Monday, November 23, 2009
November 23, 2009-Monday
Wasn't feeling that great today. Aching in my butt. It comes and goes like a toothache. Bothers me more when I go to the bathroom a lot. But I don't want to cut down on my food. I'm too thin as it is now. I weighed 165 Lbs. about 6 months ago. Now I'm down below 135. I lost that mostly when I was on soft foods only and having to fast all the time for those darn tests.
I'm craving some stuffing and Pumpkin pie. Darn it. I think I will make some stuffing anyway. The hell with it. No pie though. I like corn meal stuffing. It's the bread and the butter that will be bad for me but maybe for just one day. Hell. I might be dead tomorrow. I could die any time from something else too. Ha! Ha!
Doctor Delpino's nurse called today. She set an appointment up for me to talk to the oncologist. I told her to go ahead and get me an appointment to talk to the Radiologist also. I want to talk to both of them and hear exactly what they will be doing if I decide to go for it. I still really don't want to though, but then my butt starts aching and I think of the pain I might have at the end. I can't take it either way. I could be in pain the rest of my life just from the radiation treatments. It is so scary.
My appointment with the Radiologist is Dec. 1st at 1:30 in Utica and my appointment with the Oncologist isn't till Dec. 17th. Nothing will be done till after the new year anyway. I still want another blood test before I decide. I want to see what my CEA levels are now compared to a couple months ago. If they have gone higher then I'll know it's getting worse. If they are lower then I will feel that my diet is working. Dr. Delpino says I can have the blood test again. No problem.
I am also going to get all my blood work done again with my primary Dr. Just to see if my cholesterol has gone down. I told her I could do it on my own without going on any of those damn Statin drugs. So I just want to prove something to her.
I haven't spotted my crippled fox since the 20th when I got a photo of him at night back by the woods. It gets dark so early now and they only come after dark now. I do open my window and take flash photos of them but he is never in them. I really have to stop worrying so much about him. It's not good for me.
I finally got all my laundry done the other night. I sure feel good about that!!
That's all for now.
I'm craving some stuffing and Pumpkin pie. Darn it. I think I will make some stuffing anyway. The hell with it. No pie though. I like corn meal stuffing. It's the bread and the butter that will be bad for me but maybe for just one day. Hell. I might be dead tomorrow. I could die any time from something else too. Ha! Ha!
Doctor Delpino's nurse called today. She set an appointment up for me to talk to the oncologist. I told her to go ahead and get me an appointment to talk to the Radiologist also. I want to talk to both of them and hear exactly what they will be doing if I decide to go for it. I still really don't want to though, but then my butt starts aching and I think of the pain I might have at the end. I can't take it either way. I could be in pain the rest of my life just from the radiation treatments. It is so scary.
My appointment with the Radiologist is Dec. 1st at 1:30 in Utica and my appointment with the Oncologist isn't till Dec. 17th. Nothing will be done till after the new year anyway. I still want another blood test before I decide. I want to see what my CEA levels are now compared to a couple months ago. If they have gone higher then I'll know it's getting worse. If they are lower then I will feel that my diet is working. Dr. Delpino says I can have the blood test again. No problem.
I am also going to get all my blood work done again with my primary Dr. Just to see if my cholesterol has gone down. I told her I could do it on my own without going on any of those damn Statin drugs. So I just want to prove something to her.
I haven't spotted my crippled fox since the 20th when I got a photo of him at night back by the woods. It gets dark so early now and they only come after dark now. I do open my window and take flash photos of them but he is never in them. I really have to stop worrying so much about him. It's not good for me.
I finally got all my laundry done the other night. I sure feel good about that!!
That's all for now.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
November 19, 2009-Thursday
I left the house at 3 pm. Was a nice ride up to Rome. Left there at 5 pm and had to drive home in the dark but I made it.
The doctor talked to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wasn't interested in having any Radiation or Chemo. He really tried to explain that I should have it. He's afraid it will grow. The cancer cells have already invaded the walls and he wants to get it out as soon as possible. The tumor is so low in my rectum and it is almost 3 cm, which he calls Stage Three and says it's very, very curable at this stage. He wants me to at least talk to a Radioligist and an Oncologist. I told him to give me a month to think this over. He says he will do the surgery even if I don't want the Chemo and Radiation but wishes I'd have those to be sure it will shrink and that he will get it all.
He explained that he will do the operation endoscopically through my lower stomach and that he won't be cutting through the rectum. He will remove all the bad section and bring down a section from the upper area and reconnect with a stapling procedure. He won't know if I will need a temporary bag until he gets in there. I wouldn't mind a bag for a while if I did have the surgery. I think it might be better to eat with one of those. Otherwise it's a liquid diet for the six weeks it will take to heal. I would have to stay in the hospital in Oneida for a week because of the pain etc.
If I do choose to have the radiation and chemo before surgery then I'd have to make a daily trip to Utica to Faxton Hospital for five weeks straight. I'd only have weekends off. God! That would be dreadful to have to drive through the whole winter up there every single day. I would be getting the Radiation and Chemo at the same time. I'll be burning from the radiation and puking and shitting from the chemo. Damn!! I don't know if I can handle that.
He says that if I don't do anything and let it go, it will be the most painful thing I've ever experienced because it goes all through the pelvic region and there's no pain killer that can work with that. So this is something I have to take into consideration. Deal with the pain of radiation for five weeks or suffer in the end terribly.
He explained why they do the radiation before surgery. He said that radiation damage is permanent and if you have it before then he can take every damaged part out during surgery and he doesn't give radiation after surgery. Just Chemo but some women have refused it after surgery and he says that is up to me. He did explain that Chemo goes out of the body eventually and that is why people recover from it. But radiation cannot be reversed for the people that have it after surgery. The way he explains it all, the radiation is much worse than Chemo. But they do pinpoint it these days so it is only hitting the tumor but might still get some good cells around it and they will be taken out as well during surgery.
My rectum will have to get retrained and it will take a few months but I'd be able to go to the bathroom normally after a while.
So. It looks like I will be going through pain, sickness and being uncomfortable for another year if I decide to do all this. I'm just wondering if it is worth it.
Cripes. I might have a heart attack. That would take care of everything all at once wouldn't it..LOL
There is no easy way out. So now I will sit and think about this for a while. It's a very difficult decision to make. God give me strength, is all I can say.
If I had just gone and had that Colonoscopy three years ago it would have still been a Polyp and would have been removed, according to Dr. Delpino. So go get those Colonoscopies everyone.
I missed seeing any of my foxes this evening. I thought I heard gunshots way off in a distance after 11 pm last night. Deer hunting season starts this weekend. Poor deer.
The doctor talked to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wasn't interested in having any Radiation or Chemo. He really tried to explain that I should have it. He's afraid it will grow. The cancer cells have already invaded the walls and he wants to get it out as soon as possible. The tumor is so low in my rectum and it is almost 3 cm, which he calls Stage Three and says it's very, very curable at this stage. He wants me to at least talk to a Radioligist and an Oncologist. I told him to give me a month to think this over. He says he will do the surgery even if I don't want the Chemo and Radiation but wishes I'd have those to be sure it will shrink and that he will get it all.
He explained that he will do the operation endoscopically through my lower stomach and that he won't be cutting through the rectum. He will remove all the bad section and bring down a section from the upper area and reconnect with a stapling procedure. He won't know if I will need a temporary bag until he gets in there. I wouldn't mind a bag for a while if I did have the surgery. I think it might be better to eat with one of those. Otherwise it's a liquid diet for the six weeks it will take to heal. I would have to stay in the hospital in Oneida for a week because of the pain etc.
If I do choose to have the radiation and chemo before surgery then I'd have to make a daily trip to Utica to Faxton Hospital for five weeks straight. I'd only have weekends off. God! That would be dreadful to have to drive through the whole winter up there every single day. I would be getting the Radiation and Chemo at the same time. I'll be burning from the radiation and puking and shitting from the chemo. Damn!! I don't know if I can handle that.
He says that if I don't do anything and let it go, it will be the most painful thing I've ever experienced because it goes all through the pelvic region and there's no pain killer that can work with that. So this is something I have to take into consideration. Deal with the pain of radiation for five weeks or suffer in the end terribly.
He explained why they do the radiation before surgery. He said that radiation damage is permanent and if you have it before then he can take every damaged part out during surgery and he doesn't give radiation after surgery. Just Chemo but some women have refused it after surgery and he says that is up to me. He did explain that Chemo goes out of the body eventually and that is why people recover from it. But radiation cannot be reversed for the people that have it after surgery. The way he explains it all, the radiation is much worse than Chemo. But they do pinpoint it these days so it is only hitting the tumor but might still get some good cells around it and they will be taken out as well during surgery.
My rectum will have to get retrained and it will take a few months but I'd be able to go to the bathroom normally after a while.
So. It looks like I will be going through pain, sickness and being uncomfortable for another year if I decide to do all this. I'm just wondering if it is worth it.
Cripes. I might have a heart attack. That would take care of everything all at once wouldn't it..LOL
There is no easy way out. So now I will sit and think about this for a while. It's a very difficult decision to make. God give me strength, is all I can say.
If I had just gone and had that Colonoscopy three years ago it would have still been a Polyp and would have been removed, according to Dr. Delpino. So go get those Colonoscopies everyone.
I missed seeing any of my foxes this evening. I thought I heard gunshots way off in a distance after 11 pm last night. Deer hunting season starts this weekend. Poor deer.
Monday, November 16, 2009
November 16, 2009-Monday
My doctor's appointment is Thursday at 3:45 pm in Rome. Cripes. It will be dark before I get back. But he's only in Rome on Thursdays.
I went out today. It was another beautiful, fall day. I rode up over Putts Hill to get back home from Herkimer. Wanted to check that land up behind here to see if there were any posted signs but I didn't see any. So I guess the hunters have free reign to hunt up there.
I was getting worried because I didn't see my fox all day but he showed up just as it was getting dark. I didn't get any photos so couldn't check his leg. But at least he is still out there. He was with another fox tonight. I'm glad of that. I couldn't tell if it was the mother or another sibling.
Didn't feel quite as good as I did yesterday but not bad. A little aching today.
That's all for today. Don't feel like writing much. Wish I was in the mood to do my laundry but I'm not. So it will just have to wait another day. Ha!
I went out today. It was another beautiful, fall day. I rode up over Putts Hill to get back home from Herkimer. Wanted to check that land up behind here to see if there were any posted signs but I didn't see any. So I guess the hunters have free reign to hunt up there.
I was getting worried because I didn't see my fox all day but he showed up just as it was getting dark. I didn't get any photos so couldn't check his leg. But at least he is still out there. He was with another fox tonight. I'm glad of that. I couldn't tell if it was the mother or another sibling.
Didn't feel quite as good as I did yesterday but not bad. A little aching today.
That's all for today. Don't feel like writing much. Wish I was in the mood to do my laundry but I'm not. So it will just have to wait another day. Ha!
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