Dec. 31, 2009-My New Year's Resolution

This is it. I have made up my mine. I will NOT have any more radiation poison going into my body! I will NOT have any surgery, cutting my body all up. If the cancer spreads then so be it. But I am going to try my damndest to keep the tumor from growing. I am going back to my alkalizing diet and also an anti fungal diet. I am also going to be giving myself Baking Soda enemas every day to see if it helps. That Italian Doctor seems to think and has proven that it does. As long as my tumor is localized and hasn't spread then I might have a chance. If it has spread then the baking soda won't be able to get to it. This is worth a try. But I also know that it might not work and I am not afraid of whatever is in store for me. I'm leaving it in God's hands now. I do believe when it's our turn to go there is nothing that we can do about it. I could have a heart attack at any time or get hit by car or anything. I can't see going through pain and suffering only to have this radiation do permanent damage to me and be suffering anyway. All I can say is God help me through this. I like testing myself. Doctors aren't God!! Even though they think they are.
Happy New Year everyone. Hope the coming year will be a happy and healthy one for all of us.
Saw my crippled fox tonight. It's amazing how good he's doing. He seems to have a mate or one of his siblings with him every night. He is shy though and it's very hard to get a photo of him. I did manage to get him in the background tonight as the other one ate closer.

Dec. 29, 2009-Tuesday-3 Degrees And Very Windy

I called and canceled my radiation treatments for the rest of the week. It will give me time to think more on what I want to do. I am seriously considering stopping these treatments. It still bothers me about the damage that all these rays are doing to my body. I've had six treatments so far. At least if I quit now the damage might not be as great but it could have already caused more cancer elsewhere in my body.
I would still like to stick to an alkalizing diet and now an anti fungal diet as well. I don't like the thought of drinking that sugary Ensure stuff. I don't want ANY sugar going into my body. I'm doing more research online to get as many facts as possible. Meanwhile I am going to enjoy my days at home.
It is so cold out there this morning and very windy. The little birds are having a hard time. All I can do is put their food along the building and throw some into the rock wall. They do take refuge in that wall. Not many squirrels down this morning either. They can get blown out of the trees with this wind and it's so cold for them.

I saw my three-legged fox outside my living room window last night. I'm always glad to see him. He looks good and healthy, thank heavens.

Dec.28, 2009-Monday-Snowing Heavy

It's snowing pretty heavy here this morning. I was hoping I wouldn't have to go for treatment and I don't!! I got a call saying I could stay home today..I am so happy!!! I wasn't feeling that great anyway. But then I never do in the mornings. Trying to get my bowels empty is so hard. That tumor is always in the way.
When I do get up there for a treatment I am going to tell them I will only do four days in a row at the most. I think my body needs more time to recover from the radiation. It's my choice and my body.
So now I can relax all day. And watch the snow fall. It's supposed to be wicked cold by tomorrow morning though. Only about 10 degrees. Yikes!!
Have a nice day everyone! I know I will.

Saturday, Dec. 26, 2009

I made it to my sister's house yesterday and felt pretty good all day. My other sister, Debby, picked me up at 2 pm and I didn't come back home till 8 pm!! And I ate different foods than normal too and it isn't bothering me too much. Just took a couple Ducolax last night before going to bed. They sure help. It was great to be around family. Just wish my sister Pam had come. Don't know what happened but she never showed up. And she only lives a few blocks away. Hope nothing happened.
It started sleeting shortly after 9 pm last night and got real bad as the night progressed. I was worried about my nephew, Gavin, getting home but I see by his Facebook page that he made it. And my daughter and the kids were out late last night too but they made it back home okay.
This morning everything was covered in ice but it is slowly melting as the day goes by. Glad I'm safe inside and sure am glad it wasn't like this yesterday. It was overcast all day and a little chilly but not bad. I cut and colored my hair for the first time in about six months. Figured I'd make myself feel better for Christmas. Ha!
Here's a couple pictures of me and my daughter and the Grandchildren and me with some of my siblings. There were only five of us this year.

Thursday-Dec. 24, 2009-Treatment # 6

I was up there and back fast today!! Was home by 1:15. Guess they all wanted to get out of there early today too. I don't blame them.
I went to Walmart for a few things this afternoon. I've never gone to a store on Christmas Eve day before. Boy! That parking lot was full! But I found a spot close so was lucky. I got everything done. Even did a couple loads of laundry this evening. Then I cut my hair and colored it. It seems to be getting so thin lately. Not sure why it is falling out a lot but it's not the radiation I don't think. Just nerves maybe. I used to have such thick hair. Not any more.
I have been feeling pretty good for the past few days. I am so glad. Hope I feel good tomorrow too so I can enjoy the day with my family. I want someone to pick me up tomorrow though so I don't have to take my car. I forgot to call one of my sisters but I will in the morning. Only Debby will be going my way. Jane isn't going to Jeanne's. She and Savey are staying home this year. In the morning I will make Baked Spinach Squares to take. I usually make Spinach Balls but am not going to this year. I get too tired standing too long. I can't forget my camera. No one else takes pictures much. Sometimes they seem to get fed up with me taking so many but I'm sure they appreciate having them someday.
Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas day!! Love you all!! Ho, Ho, Ho! I think I hear Santa!!! Good Night!

Wednesday-Dec. 23, 2009-Treatment # 5

It was snowing today. But not enough to stop travel. I got to the hospital okay and was in and out fast for the first time! Was all done at 12:45!! But had to wait for my driver till 1:00. He had to drive another lady home first. I was home by 1:30. The treatment went well. I actually felt pretty good today for a change!! Hope I feel this way on Christmas day so I can go to my sister's house for a while.
It was quite cold all day. Only about 17 degrees and the wind chill was a lot lower. Glad I didn't have to go anywhere this afternoon.
One more treatment tomorrow and then I'm off for three days!! Yippeeeee!!
I saw my crippled fox last night. So glad he's doing well.

Tuesday-Dec. 22, 2009-Treatment # 4

For once I got in on time for my treatment and it went well. Just a couple spots hurt during it. Then it was time for my weekly visit with the doctor. I hate waiting in a little room for him. He took too long and then didn't have much to say. Just asked me if everything was okay. He didn't seem to care when I told him my few little complaints. Then he was off. I also talked to the dietitian about the herbal green stuff I take. She doesn't think I should take them. I will continue to take just Tylenol or Ibuprofen for the pain. The nurse said it was okay. I sure don't want anything stronger. I'll need that later on probably. Especially after surgery. I was back home at 1:45 pm. That wasn't too bad.
About an hour before I left today I was having a bit of a breakdown though. My bird was irritating me. I didn't want him in the bathroom with me so I shut the door and one of my favorite Norman Rockwell plates that I've had for almost 30 years fell off the wall and broke into a million pieces. On the way down it hit my glass swan that my Aunt Dorothy had given me in 1970. Broke it's crown off and it's nose. I couldn't help myself and started bawling. Guess I was due for a good cry. I felt bad about the plate because that was going to my Granddaughter, Salena's. It was a girl putting makeup on. I had just been thinking about those plates last night while lying in bed. I was thinking it's about time I gave them to the kids. Jordan already has his name on one. But now I will have to give Salena a different one.
I got over that little spell. It's only material things. Just made me feel sad that they got broke after so many years. Can't understand what made the plate fall. The spring holder was still on the wall. Oh well. Shit happens. I have more important things to worry about these days.

Monday-Dec. 21, 2009-Machines Are Down

The hospital called to tell me the machines are down and I won't be able to come in today for a treatment unless I wanted to come in after 5 pm. I told them no. That would mean I wouldn't be able to eat much all day because I have to have my bowels empty. Then they wonder why I am so weak. I can't eat when I need to. I'd have to drive myself up if I went at five. To hell with it. I don't much care. It seems you have to stick to their schedules and it doesn't matter if their machines break down. I always thought that if you didn't get the treatments every day at the same time it would screw up the way it shrunk the tumor but apparently not.
I told them I was in pain all weekend and asked if it was okay to keep taking Tylenol. They said it was but I have to still talk to a nurse to make sure. One person gave me a number but I guess I got it wrong because a data service answered. Not a nurse. So I'll wait till tomorrow.
Maybe I will go out later this afternoon to get more supplies for my critters and myself.
I did manage to get little Ginny's package out on time today. Thank heavens for Stamps.com and Click and Ship. Less I have to worry about. I still didn't get out cards to some people that I wanted to but I'm not going to worry about that either.
The sun is peeking through so it might be a nice day to go to the store. I'll be back if I have any more info. Have a nice day everyone.

Sat. Dec. 19th, 2009- Don't Feel Well

I don't feel very well this morning. Very weak and shaky. I had a bad night too. Could not sleep very good. The pain was bothering me in my butt. I don't know why my good foot has pain in it also. I think it's the way they are positioning my legs and feet for the treatments. It's been hurting for three days now. That foot has never bothered me. My rectum aches a lot too. I hate this shit! I might just quit the treatments and let it take it's course.

Side Effect I'm having I think

Another example of a side effect is diarrhea, nausea or vomiting. This is sometimes experienced by patients undergoing radiation treatment to their abdomens or bowels. In most cases, these side effects, which are called acute, take place during the radiation treatment course and will continue for a few weeks after the course is completed.

In almost all cases, these side effects will go away and patients will be fine. In rare instances, some patients will experience long-term side effects or complications, because the radiation causes damage to an internal organ adjacent to or near the tumor site.


This article makes me think a lot about this crap. I don't like it at all. I think I just should have had the surgery and let him cut all the cancer areas out and take my chances. Now I will probably have more cancer throughout my body because of this radiation. no wonder they want you to get Chemo. They know what this stuff will do to a person.

I found this article online. It makes more sense than anything else.
>>>>>>>
Do chemotherapy and radiation both actually CAUSE CANCER? Absolutely, yes they both do, as is well-documented in the medical literature.

Then if chemotherapy and radiation ACTUALLY CAUSE CANCER why are they used to TREAT cancer? Because doctors are not taught the real causes of cancer. In fact, they are taught that no one knows the cause of cancer.

But the cause of cancer IS KNOWN! You can even read about it in the newspapers. The Harvard School of Public Health admits that at least 65% of ALL cancers could be prevented by a change in diet and lifestyle. Actually, the figure is closer to 99% in my opinion, but still that's a great admission on their part. So there we have the cause: the wrong diet and lifestyle.

So what do we do to get well? It's NOT difficult to figure out. We GET WELL by CHANGING our diet and lifestyle!!

We all develop cancerous cells in our body every day. If our immune system is working properly, the immune cells will destroy the cancer cells. However, if the immune system is NOT working properly, the cancer cells will build up and we will have a tumor, either of microscopic size or one that is palpable (it can be felt) or one that shows up on some diagnostic test.

So if cancer is a result of the immune system NOT working properly, how do we rebuild the immune system so it WILL work properly?

Chemotherapy and radiation DESTROY the immune system, the ONLY system in our body that gets us well and keeps us well from EVERY disease! Chemotherapy and radiation also destroy cells indiscriminately. Chemotherapy is poison and kills cells by poisoning them. It is a chemical and, of course, is unable to tell a cancer cell from a non-cancer cell. That's why a person's hair falls out and they get so sick and vomit, because the chemotherapy kills cells indiscriminately. The explanation the doctor gives to justify using chemotherapy is that the chemotherapy tends to kill the cells that are the fastest growing or the fast-dividing cells, thus it will kill MORE cancer cells than normal cells. And this is true. But it kills so MANY normal cells, particularly the immune cells, that the patient often dies from the TREATMENT rather than from the cancer!

Radiation burns out the cancer. It burns everything in its pathway. It also, like chemotherapy, kills cells absolutely indiscriminately and it destroys the immune system.

When the immune system is so severely damaged by chemotherapy or radiation, it can no longer restrain the spread of cancer. It is common after these methods of treatment to find that soon the cancer has returned and spread everywhere!

So how about cutting out the cancer! Does that get rid of it? Here's another illustration. If you have the chicken pox, would you go to a surgeon and ask him or her to surgically remove all of the chicken pox marks in your skin so you would then be well from the chicken pox? Of course not. You would still have the chicken pox even if you no longer could see the outward manifestations of the disease, because chicken pox is a systemic disease, not a local disease. It affects your whole body.

The same thing is true of cancer. Cancer is NOT a local disease. It is a systemic disease. I developed breast cancer, but it was NOT caused by having too many breasts! Cutting the breast off doesn't solve the problem, because ALL the factors that allowed the cancer to develop initially are still in your body.

Even if you have the cancer cut out or an organ removed, you still have left in your body ALL of the factors that allowed cancer to develop in the first place. Unless you CHANGE all of those factors, the cancer WILL return either in the same organ or in another organ or you will develop another type of disease. And if you CUT OUT the mass or tumor, what are you going to use to follow your progress in rebuilding your immune system? I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have it removed, that decision is up to you. I'm just proposing that you evaluate ALL the options before your proceed.

How about removing the lymph nodes? The lymph nodes are part of your immune system. If they have cancer in them, that means they are doing their job! They are the little guards at the gate whose job it is to keep the cancer from spreading. When the lymph nodes are removed, then the barriers to the spread of cancer are decreased and the cancer can spread more rapidly.

Q. Is the tendency to cancer inherited? Does cancer run in families?

Here's another illustration. If you see a very obese woman walking down the street with her two young children, one on each side, and the two young children are also very obese, is the children's obesity inherited? No it isn't. The mother feeds herself and she feeds the children the same way. If those children AND their mother change their diet appropriately and begin exercising regularly, there is a 99.9% chance they will become thin and fit.

Parents TEACH their children how to eat and how to handle stress, either directly or by example. They teach them good ways to eat and handle stress or they teach them bad ways to eat and bad ways to handle stress. This is the way that disease, including cancer, is handed down from generation to generation - not in the genes (except in very rare cases) but in the ways we are taught to eat and to handle (or NOT handle) life's stresses.

It takes literally years to develop cancer. We give ourselves cancer and other diseases one day at a time by the way we eat and live. Of course, we don't mean to do it. We do it ignorantly because we don't know, or don't want to know, how really harmful our ways of living are. Fortunately it takes a lot less time to get well than it takes us to get sick. But even then, it took me a full 18 months of total dedication to the program to get well.

One more important thing: Many people actually feel well when they receive their diagnosis of cancer. They don't feel sick, but this is a delusion. The immune system has to be SEVERELY suppressed for a person to develop cancer. In order to get well, the body must be given huge amounts of nutrition in the form of carrot and green leafy vegetable juices (as well as food), lots of water, LOTS of rest in order to repair diseased tissues and organs, FREEDOM FROM STRESS, and PLENTY of time for prayer and Bible study, since God is the actual healer! He just does it though His natural health plan. We must also learn to be thankful for what we have, learn to forgive and give up anger and grudge-holding and learn to get outside of ourselves and care about others.

It is almost impossible to follow this plan and continue working as usual. I tried it and almost died! But, you say, "I have to support my family. How will I live if I take a year off work and just concentrate on getting well?" My answer is, "Who will support your family when you are dead?"

This is where Trust in God comes in. God allows us to get ourselves into these terrible situations to accomplish two things:

1) To radically and permanently change the way we eat and live, and

2) To help us learn to trust Him COMPLETELY.

God knows our needs and our problems. If we turn to Him, He has PROMISED to help us. The way we learn to trust Him is get to know Him as a friend, just the way we get to know and trust any earthly friend, by spending A LOT of time with Him.

Two psychiatrists, Frank B. Minirth, M.D. and Paul D. Meier, M.D. who run 10 large mental health clinics in the U.S. say that "Pent-up anger is probably the leading cause of death!" Just think about that! When we are angry or stressed our intestines cramp, our stomach goes into a knot and our adrenal glands pour out many different hormones that suppress our immune system. The contraction of the stomach and intestines leading to improper peristalsis causes serious problems with assimilation of our food so we do not absorb the nutrition we take in and we do not properly eliminate the toxins from our body.

Virtually ALL disease is caused by a combination of three main factors:

1) Malnutrition; we eat a LOT of calories, but not much nutrition. We eat a lot of flesh food and animal (dairy) products which are too high in fat and protein with no fiber and very few vitamins and minerals. We eat EMPTY calories, processed food that is high in fat, protein and sugar but very low in vitamins, minerals and enzymes.

2) Dehydration; The body is 75% water and the brain is 85% water. We lose 10 glasses of water from our body every day just by living (from perspiration, from breathing, our breath is moist, and from our body's need to take water from our cells to transfer into the stomach to make digestive juices to digest our food). Caffeine, found in coffee and caffeinated soft drinks, is a diuretic. It takes more water out of your system than comes in with the drink. Water is a necessary architectural component of every cell. If our cells are deficient in water, they CAN'T function properly. Therefore, our body AND our brain start to break down.

3) Stress: When we are stressed or angry, the stomach contracts and cannot digest our food properly, the intestinal peristalsis stops so we can't get rid of our waste material and instead we reabsorb these toxins, and our adrenal glands pour out harmful hormones into our body that suppress our immune system. In addition, stress is very dehydrating, thus depleting the body of its much needed water.

The bottom line is that there is NO "QUICK FIX!" We get sick one day at a time and that's the way we must get well, the slow hard way. It's the ONLY way to truly rebuild and repair our bodies.

Friday, Dec. 18, 2009-Treatment # 3

I wasn't feeling very good when I got up today. Felt very weak and my heart was racing. Almost like I was going to faint. I ate a piece of banana and a slice of toast. Felt okay when it was time to go. Sure was bitter cold this morning. It was 7 below here I think. Nice, sunny day though. I didn't go into the treatment room till 12:40 and then I was half way through and they stopped and said the machine was down for a while and could I just lie there on my belly like that till it got going again.. For about 20 minutes or more. What???? No way!!! I could never have laid there that long with my back hurting and my face and chest. So I told them NO and left. The girl didn't seem to mind that I was going. She said she'd make a note of it .
I was out of there by 1:15 and was so glad to get back home. Now I won't have to go through that again till Monday. Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really need to go out and get a few things but not sure if my car doors will open or even if it will start, after being so cold. it's only supposed to reach 20 degrees, if it even does. Tomorrow is going to be a little bit warmer so maybe I will wait.
Now I have to get busy and get a few things done before Christmas. So little time left. Got to put transfers on shirts for the smaller grandchildren. So I guess I better get off here for now.
Take care everyone and have a great weekend! Hugs!!

Thursday, Dec. 17, 2009-Treatment # 2

It sure was cold this morning! I am so glad that van has a good heater. I got picked up at 11:30 this morning. But I had to wait longer to get in because they were having problems with one of the machines. So that meant the others all had to use it too. Everyone was backed up for about 45 minutes. At least when I did get on the table I didn't have to wait for the tech to get there. It went okay but that damn hard foam was digging into my chest again. And I wore a heavy sweatshirt too and they also had folded a couple of towels and put them there. I guess I will just have to live through it. I will have much worse pain later on. At least I wasn't in agony, having to go pee. I was careful not to drink as much water but still had a full bladder. I do have a problem breathing it seems. I wonder if the movement from breathing changes the path of the radiation beams. Scares me a bit about that.
I talked to the nurse after too. Had to ask her a few questions. It's okay to take laxatives but they don't want me to give myself any enemas. She said it would be too painful later on when I'm all sore inside and out. I can continue my green powder drinks. I told them I wasn't about to start drinking milk shakes like they suggest. I will eat eggs for the protein and maybe drink Insure Plus now and then.
I got home around 2:30 today. I didn't have that wicked headache like I had yesterday, thank heavens. But I was very tired. But couldn't sleep. I tried to lie down but I can never sleep during the day. I probably will though if it gets worse. My Cockatiel, Ricky, always wants to be with me and if he's loose he will come into the bedroom and sit on the other pillow next to my head. I don't like that. Always afraid he might shit..Ha! Ha! That's why I can't sleep maybe.
My brother, Jim, stopped this morning at 9:30. He was on his way to Utica to work on one of his apartments. Too cold to work on a roof job that he's been doing. He sure works hard. Always has. It was nice to see him. I was on the toilet when he rang my buzzer though..LOL And he left early enough so I could go to the bathroom again and get ready to leave. I'm on the toilet a lot in the mornings, hoping to get emptied out as best I can before the treatments. Very uncomfortable sometimes though. That's why I had to have an enema. I felt much better. But I won't be doing that any more unless I get desperate. Hope the Ducolax helps every day.
I had some funny little pains in my Ovary area today and some aching but otherwise I am okay.
Now I'm tired and going to bed early again tonight. Sleep is very important for healing.
Take care everyone. I'll be glad when tomorrow's treatment is over. I will have two whole days off!! Yea!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009-First Treatment

An older gentleman picked me up in the hospital's van. He was here at 11:10 am. Good thing I was ready. he said he left a bit early because I was new and he had to make sure where to go. So that meant I was up there by 11:40 and had to wait longer. My appointment was at 12:20 and I still didn't get in till 12:40. I sat in this little room where other women are sitting, waiting for their radiation for all different things. One older lady was on her 30th treatment for throat cancer. Another one was there for breast cancer. Another girl was sitting in there, waiting for her 95 year old father. She was a bit mouthy and was talking on her cell phone too loud while us other women were trying to talk. I think that is very rude. Most of the women there have to put on a hospital gown. Just the top half but it was more like a smock. There are a bunch of little baskets with these gowns in them and the names of the women are on them. I looked for my name but didn't find it so I went out to the desk to ask. They said for my kind of radiation I didn't need to put one on. So I got to keep all my clothes on and had the radiation with just my pants pulled down a little to expose the tattooed areas. That table was no more comfortable than the last time. I told them my bruises were just going away from last week. They didn't seem to care. Then I had to lay there for what seemed like a half hour. Someone finally said that they were waiting for the doctor....which meant the radiation tech I think Because when I was through this strange guy came out and introduced himself. I had to pee so bad. When I first got there I had to go and knowing that I was early I did. then I drank a bottle of water and by the time I had to go in I was feeling it again. But they want the bladder full. And it was! I was so uncomfortable all through the radiation. And those took longer than I thought. They must have turned that machine ten times to beam in radiation at different points. And each one took about 30 seconds. Seemed longer but I think that is about how long they took.
I was never so glad to be done and off that table. I had to get to the bathroom real fast. What a relief! And to think I have to go through that for 24 more times. DAMN!!! The old guy was waiting in the waiting room and he went and got the van right away and got me home. He will be the one picking me up for the next 8 treatments I think. Then the time changes to 11:30 am and this other guy will be picking me up. I have met two other drivers. They are in there all the time and one sits behind the desk and brings patients from the waiting room to where they have to go. I guess that might be just a couple of them that I have seen behind the desk. Not the older guy. He said he just works part time. I talked to him all the way up and back. He likes that. He said some don't say a word and he never knows what they are there for. I'm an open book so I don't care. He's married and has a Cockatiel also. He said his makes so much noise at times that they have to take the cage into another room to get some peace..Ha! Wish I had another room to put mine in.
When I got home I was hungry. I made a buckwheat pancake and an egg. I don't care what I eat now. I have to get enough protein in my body to keep my blood platelets up. I had a weird little pain in my head for a while too and felt very tired. Tried to take a nap but of course I couldn't. I still have a slight headache. Hope it isn't the radiation poison. I am keeping a record of everything just in case.
I also must have twisted my ankle on my good foot because that hurts. I think I did it climbing in the van. I sat in the front but had put my foot on the step to get in. Not used to getting in anything else but my own car and from the other side. My left hip is hurting today also. That was hurting before I left.
Tomorrow's another day. Only 24 more treatments to go..Ha! It's going to be real cold in the morning. It was cold enough and windy today getting out of the van. But at least it has a good heater.
I'll be back tomorrow, God willing. Take care everyone.

December 14, 2009-Monday

I got my ride all confirmed for Wednesday. They are picking me up with the Faxton Cancer Center van at 11:30 am. Now I won't have to worry about driving in snow and bad weather all through these treatments. Guess I'll have to wait till Wed. to find out how long it will take to get back home each day.
I wasn't feeling that great yesterday in the late afternoon. All the aching came back again. I sometimes feel like there is a blockage way up inside my intestines. The laxatives don't seem to work very well lately. I am very uncomfortable. I'm not going to be eating much at all on the days I have treatments and then I will be eating food that won't upset my stomach or give me gas. They say the "Brat" diet is good to go on during the treatments. That means bananas, rice, applesauce and toast and tea. I'm going to go off the green tea and stick to Camomile though. It might calm my nerves more.
The coating of ice on everything didn't seem to be melting much today but it did melt some. It's going to get real cold again though by Wednesday and continue for the next week or more. Winter is here for good now.
I hope they can see where the radiation points are from the tattoos they injected because I have noticed that the marks they put on the cheeks of my butt have disappeared. I think they wore off in bed. I toss and turn so much. I haven't scrubbed those spots at all when I take my shower. Hope I don't have to have them do a simulation all over again. I thought they used permanent markers. Guess not.. Ha!
I ordered a bunch of stuff that I'll need later. Pads for my bed. A sitz bath. It might soothe the soreness later. Another mattress pad. I just can't seem to get comfortable with the three I already have on my bed. My hip bones still hurt. I'm so bony now. I also got some face masks in case I feel like I need protection from other people. I will get prescriptions for other stuff as I need them. Like pain killers or lotions etc. I better set up an account with Kinney's in Ilion because they deliver. Lots of the women here get their medicines delivered from there. I've only gotten a couple from Walmart before. But they won't deliver. I need to have all the convenience I can at this time.
I've got to get things done for Christmas yet too. I got the movies put together for the kids in MN. But haven't gotten them onto the DVD's yet. Thank heavens I can do all my shipping labels online. It is so convenient. And the post man comes right inside this building every day to take my packages. He brings my stamps too when I order them. The last time I was in the post office a few years back, I fell hard on the cement floor. That's before I discovered online shipping. I haven't been back since. I can't carry anything now with the damn crutches.
Well, that's all I have on my mind for now. Drive safely everyone and be well.

December 13, 2009-Sunday

I feel a bit better than I have for the past couple days. I did not take any Tylenol last night. Slept a little better than I usually do. The aching isn't as bad today. So far anyway. It usually gets worse as the day progresses, due to pressure.
It's just starting to rain here with snow mixed in. Going to be a nasty afternoon for anyone on the roads.
Tomorrow I have to make a call to Faxton Cancer Center to verify that I will be getting my ride. I still haven't gotten any phone calls to tell me what time they will be here. If I had to I could drive for this first week. Nothing should be affecting me this soon. Only three days of treatments this week and four for the next two weeks. Because of the holidays. Yea!! After that is when I will start to feel the "BURN". Yikes!
Be back soon. Take care you all.

December 11, 2009-Friday

I had the worse night last night. More pain than I've ever had before. I took Tylenol for the first time. It didn't help. Could not sleep very well all night. Still aching today but not as bad. Took two more Tylenol this evening. Hopefully when I start the radiation it will shrink that tumor and the pressure won't be as bad. I think I was on my feet too much yesterday and that is why I had so much pressure. Because my legs ached all night too. They have been aching a lot.
The black and blue marks are still on my chest from that darn hard table and hard foam they had me on. They are going to have to do something about that. Get me a pillow or something. Or I'll have a constant bruise for five weeks. That is not acceptable!!
Boy! Sure is windy and cold!! And the wind will be with us again tomorrow, along with some snow. I guess when winter got here, it got here good!!
I think the foxes are staying in their dens too. It's too cold for them. Haven't seen them much. That's all for now. Take care everyone.

It's Done. I Have Refused Chemo Treatments

It's over and done with. I told the Oncologist that I am refusing Chemo treatments. She was very nice and said she understands my decision. She said I was correct in all the questions I had. I could very well have all those side effects. She suggested I get a lower dose that would drip 24/7 into my body. I'd have to have a port put into my chest and carry a portable around for five days a week. But I refused that also. I will take my chances. It's my body and whatever the outcome is then I will take it. I am not afraid to die. The radiation will be painful enough. And the surgery afterwards. I don't know how I am going to deal with the pain. Maybe I will become addicted to drugs this late in my life.. Ha! Ha! More pain killers please.....

I left my place at 2:30 this afternoon. It sure was windy and I could feel the car moving a bit. But the roads were clear. It was snowing lightly when I was coming home. Got home at 5:00. Ate some dinner and covered my birds for the night then went back out in the cold to get groceries. The weather is going to be worse all weekend so I wanted to get groceries tonight. Now I don't have to go out till Wednesday when I go for my first radiation treatment. At least I won't be driving. But I bet I won't get to come home too soon. Probably have to wait for other people before they will bring me back. I don't like that part. But it's better than driving myself.
It was so cold out there tonight! Brrrrr!!
Saw one fox outside. The poor thing. I always feel sorry for the animals out there in the cold. I hope they have a nice warm den.

Reasons Why I Am Refusing Chemo

I'm afraid of this side effect because of my already damaged nerves and muscle weakness in both of my legs and hips.

Managing Numbness and Tingling (Peripheral Neuropathy)

Numbness and tingling in your hands and feet is a condition called peripheral neuropathy. Peripheral neuropathy can be a side effect associated with certain chemotherapy drugs. It is caused by damage to the nerves that transmit signals between the extremities and the central nervous system (CNS).

These nerves include those that transmit sensation from the extremities to the CNS or those that carry signals for muscle movement from the CNS to the extremities.

Depending on the type of nerve damage, an individual with peripheral neuropathy may fully recover without residual effects or may partially recover but have long-term problems in his or her ability to feel or move.

If severely affected, it is possible to develop atrophy (muscle deterioration) and chronic muscular weakness.

Causes of Peripheral Neuropathy

There are many possible causes of numbness and tingling. Some of the more common include:

* Certain chemotherapy drugs
* Diabetes
* Uremia (too much urea in the blood due to kidney problems)
* Severe malnutrition
* Trauma, such as broken or dislocated bones
* Cancer
* Certain medicines or toxic substances

Symptoms of Peripheral Neuropathy

In addition to numbness and tingling, other symptoms of peripheral neuropathy include:

* Weakness
* Pain in the arms, hands, legs and/or feet
* Abnormal sensations, including:
o Burning
o Tickling
o Pricking
o Tingling (also known as paresthesia)

Areas of the body most commonly affected by peripheral neuropathy are the fingers and toes. Symptoms usually start at the end of the extremity and gradually move upward.
Bowel function may also be compromised, causing or worsening constipation and eventually causing blockage of the intestines.

Sometimes side effects signal a serious problem. Find out when to call your doctor about chemotherapy side effects.

Treating Peripheral Neuropathy

The treatment for peripheral neuropathy caused by chemotherapy is to stop the treatment or change to a different drug that does not cause damage to the nerves. If immediate steps are not taken when symptoms start, peripheral neuropathy can become a long-term problem.

Recovery from peripheral neuropathy is usually slow, but steps can be taken to encourage regeneration of the damaged nerves. Approaches include:

* Acupuncture which is believed to relieve pain associated with peripheral neuropathy in certain cases. Ask your doctor for more details and the name of a licensed acupuncturist.

* Massage which increases blood flow and may provide pain relief associated with peripheral neuropathy.

* Physical therapy which uses range-of-motion and stretching exercises that may help strengthen muscles that are weak and improve other symptoms of peripheral neuropathy.

* Transcutaneous nerve stimulation (TENS) which uses a special device that transmits electrical impulses through electrodes attached to your skin. TENS has been shown to provide pain relief29 and may promote nerve regeneration.30


And this from the sores I'd get in my mouth. Everyone I talk to gets them.

Managing Mouth Sores

Mouth sores are a common side effect of certain chemotherapy drugs as well as radiation to the head.

Chemotherapy and radiation therapy kill rapidly dividing cells, such as cancer cells. However, the gastrointestinal (GI) tract, including the mouth and the throat, is made up of cells that divide rapidly.

For this reason, the GI tract is particularly susceptible to damage from chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Chemotherapy- or radiation-induced damage to the cells lining the mouth, throat, and gastrointestinal tract is called mucositis. This side effect of cancer treatment can significantly affect quality of life and may cause delays in treatment.

While side effects can cause delays in treatment, it's important to stick to a treatment schedule for best results. Find out more about chemotherapy cycles and schedules.

Diagnosing Mouth Sores

Symptoms of mouth sores commonly occur 3 to 10 days following treatment with chemotherapy. You may experience a burning sensation followed by ulcers, and your mouth may appear red (inflammation) with sores (ulcerations). You may also experience discomfort and pain.

* Mouth sores can make chewing and swallowing difficult, interfering with your nutrition and food intake, resulting in weight loss.

* Your speech may also be compromised.

* Because the lining of your mouth also serves to protect you against infection, mouth sores make you more susceptible to bacterial, fungal, or viral infections in the mouth.

* Ultimately, mouth sores can become severe enough that it is necessary to reduce your chemotherapy dose or delay your treatment in order to allow your mouth to heal.

Treatment That Makes Mouth Sores Worse

While mouth sores can occur with any treatment for cancer, oral mucositis is more severe if you receive the following:

* High-dose chemotherapy or radiation with stem cell transplants

* Radiation for head and neck cancer

* Combined chemotherapy and radiation therapy

The technique used to administer radiation may also impact the severity and duration of mouth sores. The following radiation techniques tend to produce less severe mouth sores:

* Hyperfractionated radiation involves lower doses administered more frequently, resulting in less severe mouth sores.

* Intensity-modulated radiation therapy (IMRT) spares normal tissues, reducing mouth sores, while still delivering the full radiation dose or even an increased dose to the cancer.

Your doctor may suggest combining chemotherapy with radiation therapy. Find out more about how cancer is treated with radiation therapy.

Other Factors That Make Mouth Sores Worse

A number of other factors contribute to the severity of mouth sores, including:

* Poor oral and dental health prior to treatment

* Kidney disease

* Age—younger children or older adults

* Smoking and the use of chewing tobacco during episodes of mucositis

* Harsh foods and alcohol

* Concomitant disease (disease occurring at the same time), such as diabetes or AIDS

Preventing and Treating Mouth Sores

Treatment for mouth sores generally consists of good oral care, mouthwashes, and cryotherapy (sucking on ice chips).

Oral Care

Good oral care helps prevent mouth sores:

* Rinse your mouth with a saltwater solution 2 or 3 times per day.

* Brush your teeth 2 or 3 times per day with a soft toothbrush.

Mouthwashes

A mouthwash of salt and soda may relieve mouth sores as well as medicated mouthwashes and is less expensive.28

Cryotherapy (Ice Chips)

You can relieve mouth pain by sucking ice chips when the chemotherapy drug is most concentrated in the body.
This technique, called cryotherapy, works by decreasing blood flow to the cells in the mouth, reducing exposure to the drug and decreasing the risk of developing mouth sores.

I'm afraid of my Shingles getting worse too.
This is just one woman's experience with Shingles.

Yes I did contract shingles during my chemo treatment, not once, not twice, not three times but FOUR outbreaks of shingles. It would no more than clear up and bam! I would get it again.

More importantly though is the permanent pain I have been left with because of the shingles. It has taken visits to my oncologist, my neurologist, my internist and an orthopedic surgeon... and my own in-depth research to determine that the chronic pain I live with is a result of the shingles contracted during chemo.

The pain is constant; I am on a very strong pain medication and nerve medication and will probably remain on both the rest of my life.

At first, they thought it was just temporary pain and would diminish over time. After 2 years it showed no signs of decreasing and they had to tackle the problem. They even tried to pin it on a mental well being sort of thing. I knew I was not imagining the pain. They tried to tell me I had arthritis, but the pain is not just in my joints. It is from my waist down to my toes; in my hips and legs. And, it is a burning/wet/cold, highly sensitized pain..

My oncologist FINALLY figured it out when she went back to other patients' records (I badgered all of my doctors for over 2 years...until someone came up with an answer!)

And my eyes of course. I already have baby cataracts and I have Glaucoma. So what is all that Chemo going to do?? It is so scary.

Chemotherapy and Glaucoma

Glaucoma is a serious eye condition that damages the optic nerve and eventually leads to blindness. There are two types of the condition -- open-angle and closed-angle. Open-angle glaucoma is the most prevalent form and results in the gradual loss of vision over time. Closed-angle glaucoma occurs much more rapidly.

One factor that leads to glaucoma is the inability of the eye to drain ocular fluid. Chemotherapy may lead to complications with this drainage system. The first symptom of glaucoma is often a feeling of increased pressure in the eye. Loss of side vision is also an early indicator. However, these symptoms manifest long after glaucoma has set in, often resulting in irreparable damage. Therefore, it is recommended that chemotherapy patients have their eyes checked for early signs of the disease at least once a year following treatment.

Unfortunately, there is no cure for glaucoma. However, treatment is available to minimize or slow the onset of the effects of the condition. Surgery or eye drops are common treatment options.

Other Eye Problems Associated With Chemotherapy

Less severe eye problems that may result from chemotherapy include photophobia, dry eyes and watery eyes. Photophobia is a condition that results in sensitivity to light. Oftentimes, the sensitivity causes pain and requires patients to wear sunglasses outside. Medications associated to photophobia include:

• Cytarabine (Ara-C®)
• Fluorouracil
• Isotretinoin
• Tretinoin

Dry eye syndrome results from the inability to produce adequate tears. Eye drops may be prescribed to help improve lubrication and reduce itchiness. Medications associated with dry eyes include:

• Isotretinoin (Vesanoid®)
• Tretinoin (Accutane®)

Some chemotherapy patients experience the opposite of dry eye syndrome. Watery eyes result from an overproduction of tears and may be a sign of a sinus infection. The condition has been linked to the following drugs:

• Capecitabine
• Cytarabine
• Doxorubicin (Adriamycin®)
• Fluorouracil

Chemotherapy-Induced Cataracts

Cataracts are one of the most prevalent eye problems associated with chemotherapy. Though painless, the condition results in degenerative vision over time. This is due to the buildup of cloudy material in the lens of the eye, which blocks the passage of light to the retina.

Symptoms of cataracts typically begin to show 18 to 24 months after chemotherapy and may include blurred vision, sensitivity to bright lights (such as car headlights) and increased nearsightedness. Cataracts sometimes develop in both eyes, but often only manifest in one. For patients that experience severe loss of vision, cataract surgery is available that may significantly restore vision.

Studies show that as many as 80 percent of patients who undergo total body irradiation (TBI) will develop cataracts. Patients who have received high doses of steroids are at greater risk for contracting cataracts. The following drugs have also been linked to the formation of cataracts:

• Bexarotene
• Dexamethasone
• Hydrocortisone
• Methylprednisone
• Prednisone
• Tamoxifen (Nolvadex®)

Now you know why I don't want Chemo. I'll take my chances. Rather than be left with worse eyes and worse muscles and risk of a bad infection because of mouth sores.
I am not that strong as I have led people to believe all my life....

December 9, 2009-Wednesday-Snowy Day here

We got quite a bit more snow this morning. But it tapered off by noon. But very windy. I was so glad I didn't have to go out. I am going to hate going out every day for those damn radiation treatments. I just hate being cold. In the winter my hands never get warm no matter how hot it is inside. But I don't like too much heat. My feet are always cold too.
Those three areas where they injected the ink in my backside were painful last night and swollen. One is right near my tail bone too. My tail bone has always bothered me so this was not something I liked very much. But today it's better. Just a little sore. I also have those black marker X's on those spots and a piece of tape up in the center of my back. Not sure what that is for. And there is a long black mark running down the center of my back too. I have to be careful not to scrub those areas. It's sort of a map so they know where to go I guess. Maybe the tape has my name on it so they won't get confused about who they are working on..Ha! Ha!
I am uncomfortable today. I'm not sleeping well at all. It's all the stress I guess. I drink Camomile tea every night to relax me but it's not working any more.

I have a list of questions to ask the Chemo Oncologist tomorrow. I have to drive up to Utica again and my appointment isn't till 3:30. That means I will be driving home in the dark. It's supposed to be real windy tomorrow too and some snow showers. Just hope it's not bad or I won't go.
I have been reading and reading about the Chemo effects. I think I have my mind up and am NOT going to have it. I don't give a shit if the doctors get mad at me. I am going to put some articles in here about the things that concern me the most. It will be in the next post.

How Uncomfortable!

That table they put you on is so hard. It has a hole in the center for my fat belly to hang..Ha! But the foam thing where my head has to go is so hard. You'd think they'd have something softer. My chest was hurting and with my crooked spine it sure wasn't easy to lay there without moving. My legs were uncomfortable also. I did have all my clothes on. I think it would have been better without them. I think once treatments start I will have to get into a hospital gown. There's a room next to the machine room where people were sitting and waiting for their turn. I got through it. Got black ink crosses on three sections on my behind. One on each cheek and one near the tailbone. Guess they are going to beam the radiation through three spots. No wonder the skin gets sore and red. They say that will happen after the second week usually. They were giving me a Cat Scan to find the correct spot. That's why I couldn't move. I was afraid to breathe even!
I start my treatments next Wednesday, the 16th. The first 7 days I have to be there at 12:20 pm. That's a good time for me. Then the rest of the time I'm scheduled for 11:30 am.
I will be getting a ride from their van each day. At least I won't have to worry about driving.
The head radiologist woman explained to me that sometimes the machine breaks down and they might have to call me not to come in. And also if there is a severe snow storm then the van won't be able to get to me so I won't go. Which ever way I look at it, I still have to do 25 treatments. If I miss a day it just gets added on at the end and prolongs everything. I'm beginning to wonder if it's 25 days only because that is what medicare will cover. So they get them all even if we didn't really need all 25....makes me wonder sometimes.
I have to talk to the Chemo doctor on Thursday to decide if I want that or not. I'm still leaning on NOT having any. I don't like the sounds of all the after effects. Sore mouth. Hands and feet getting numb and peeling and sore. I remember my sister's. Awful. Having my eyes get worse faster. I already have Cataracts and Glaucoma. And the thought of having my immune system all broken down and getting anemic again, after all this time I spent building it up. Now I have to go back to eating stuff I don't want to but what the heck. Doesn't matter really. But I still want the best stuff in my system to help me heal faster. Just can't eat any raw veggies now or anything that might give me gas or anything to fibrous. That knocks the hell out of my strict diet..Ha! So maybe I'll pig out for the holidays and eat what makes me feel good. I might even buy some maple syrup and good bread and make some french toast. Haven't had that in years and I've been craving it.
I was so hungry when I got home that I had scrambled eggs. Haven't eaten them in a while either. Tasted so good! I still won't eat meat though. Eggs are close enough. Going back to eating good yogurt also. Plain and organic.
I was home by 12:30 today. Left here at 10:00. That wasn't too bad. I could not get my hands to warm up though. My hands and feet are always cold in the winter. I wear socks to bed most all year because my feet get cold so easy.
I think I better go back out this afternoon and get a few things. We are going to get some real bad weather starting tonight and into tomorrow. Sure glad I don't have to go out till Thursday.
Take care everyone.

Today Is Radiation Simulation

What a winter wonderland outside this morning! It looks real pretty but I have to drive 17 miles one way to the Faxton Cancer Center for my Radiation Simulation. Hope my old car makes it.

Here is a brief explanation of it. I will be back later to tell you what went on if different from this.


What is a radiation therapy simulation?

If you have cancer and are going to receive radiation therapy, you will probably have a radiation therapy simulation before your first treatment. A simulation session is a meeting between you, the radiation oncologist, and other members of the radiation team. During this meeting you and the radiation team plan where and how to use the radiation to destroy your cancer cells.

Radiation therapy uses high-energy radiation (X-rays) to shrink or destroy a tumor. It can cure cancer or help you feel better by making the tumor smaller.

Some alternatives to radiation therapy are:

* having chemotherapy (using medicine to destroy the cancer)
* removing the cancer by surgery
* choosing not to have treatment.

You should ask your healthcare provider about these choices.
How should I prepare for the simulation?

Follow the instructions provided by your healthcare provider. You may have a CT scan or PET scan before the session to find the exact spot the cancer is in.
What happens during the simulation?

During the session you will meet your treatment team, will see the equipment they use, and can ask questions.

A medical physicist, or dosimetrist, will work with the radiation oncologist to find the best way to aim the radiation at your cancer. You will lie on a special type of X-ray table. The radiation therapist:

* Will mark the area on your body to be treated.
* May also use a low-energy laser to mark the area. (You will not feel any burning or pain from the laser.)
* Will record measurements using prominent bones, such as your hipbone or ribs, as reference points.
* Will take several X-rays to be sure the radiation will be aimed where it will work best.
* Will repeat the aiming process for different angles if you are going to receive radiation from more than one angle.

The treatment team may need to make shields or devices to focus the radiation on your tumor. The shields are attached to the radiation machine. They will help protect your healthy tissue from radiation.
What happens after the simulation?

The practice session is a good time for you to ask questions about the side effects of the planned radiation therapy. You can find out what to expect and what you should not have to worry about.

You should ask:

* How long will each radiation treatment last? How often will I have treatments? How many weeks will I have treatments?
* What side effects might I have? When do they usually start?
* Will I feel well enough after treatments to drive myself home?
* What should I expect if I am having chemotherapy or surgery, or both, together with radiation therapy?
* What do I need to do to prepare for these treatments?
* Will I be able to keep working or keep taking care of my children?
* Are there recommendations for my diet?
* How much rest will I need?
* Do I need to take precautions to avoid infections from others (such as a cold)?
* What should I expect after the treatments are over?
* What should I expect if I choose not to have this treatment?

After the session you may go home. You should not wash off the ink marks. The therapist will need them for the radiation sessions.

Soon after the radiation simulation, you will begin your radiation treatments. During the course of this care you may have another practice session to plan treatment for a smaller area.

I Am Happy Tonight!

My crippled fox showed up and he was right below my living room window! It was dark but with a little light from the next door apartment, I got to see him pretty good. He looks healthy and it seems that he has chewed off those nasty protruding bones that I was so worried about. I was hiding behind my curtains so I wouldn't spook him. I'll probably never get any more photos of him because I have to open the window to do that in the dark. But I don't care. Just as long as I know he's still alive and doing well. He can still run pretty fast, even with three legs. He did get spooked later. He must have seen the curtain move. I watched him run around the rock wall and across the grass area. Maybe in the spring I'll be surprised and he will come out during the day again!
That made my day!!
I haven't been able to go to the bathroom all day. Just bleeding. Took some laxatives and hope by tomorrow I will. It's not a good feeling, having a tumor that is an inch and a half blocking the way.....
I have got to clean myself out by Tuesday morning when I go back to the Radiologist. He will be doing a rectal exam that day. So it will be just liquids and soft foods for tomorrow. I hate all this probing and prodding. And it will only get worse as sugery time gets near. I figure sometime in March. Maybe by June I'll be feeling okay. I sure hope so.
I'm trying to find the best lotion and soap to use while on radiation when my skin will be all burned and raw. And what to use for my mouth sores because I'm sure I'll get them. Almost everyone does by what I've been reading. Going to ask him when I go on Tuesday. Got to get my rides all set up too. When I asked about that last week they weren't sure if there were any available in the valley. But I'll get that all straightened out soon.
It was cold today and it made me think how I'm going to hate going out every single day. I never went out much in the winter. Maybe once every two weeks and that was it. It's too hard to walk in that snow and sometimes the sidewalks are bad here. Makes me nervous. I've got to stop thinking about things like that. My anxiety level rises when I do that. I get panic attacks when I have to go places. But I guess I will just have to get used to going. I can't quit now.
If you go to my "Animal Stories" blog you can see the Christmas pages I made last year in Scrapblog with some of my critters. I'll add the link on here so it can just be clicked on. I really need to add my foxes to that woods scenery.
Take care everyone.

December 1, 2009

I've decided to take the radiation treatments. He wants me to start as soon as possible so I will. I won't wait till after the new year. If I'm not feeling well when Christmas rolls around I will just stay home. I did last year because of my problems. He really wants me to get the Chemo also. Says I will have a better chance of not getting it back and having everything work better afterwards.. They changed my date to meet with the oncologist. That is next Thursday. I have to go back on Tuesday for the "Simulation" and fitting for the radiation machine and marking my body. I'm adding all this information so you will all know what I will be going through in the next couple weeks till I start the treatments. Hopefully my body will be strong enough to handle all this stuff. I'm getting sick of this ache in my butt. All I did today was bleed. Couldn't go to the bathroom very well. It's these kind of days that tell me I better start doing something sooner.
I am at the stage where it's very curable. If I wait too long it won't be. Just like I waited too long to get the damn Colonoscopy. If I had gotten one three years ago, instead of canceling the appointment, it would have just been a small polyp and would have been removed. I'm paying for that mistake now.
Dr. Crawford let me know all the risks and some of my questions were answered. He says that a lot of that stuff could be a problem and says what they all say. There are no guarantees. He says I will need a dialator because the radiation will practically close up my vagina. I had read all about that. I told him I didn't plan on having sex any more in this life. It's been ten years now. But he said that I'd still need to because of doctor exams, like pap smears etc. I told him I wouldn't be bothering with any of that stuff at my age. He knows he's up against a tough minded old broad. Ha! Ha!
This is a quote from someone who had to use one after surgery...
"It was really no big deal at all. It's one small aspect of your medical treatment, the goal of which is to prevent scar tissue and vaginal stenosis.